Last week of challenge and an unexpected opening of my heart

It has been a while since I've last written. I will tell briefly about my challenges I've done, but then I will go to an enlightment I realized through a hard process, and how I feel now.

I could write the letters and send them. This was surprisingly long effort. I couldn't guess sending two letter would take so long. I sent one to a friend in USA and to my grand mother, who has supported me through my hard emotional times.

The most concrete and brave thing was the busking event, in which I played a support song about dumpster diving in front of two shopping centres. We made the video. It came like a music video of some sort. The whole thing required cooperation. It wouldn't have succeeded without few friends. They were necessary for the thing to be accomplished.

Busking. Link for the video below

Now, here is the music video, made by us, friends filled with inspiration: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCgOgXFi84A

A spontane challenge was, that I went teaching to a primary school as a substitute teacher. I got the request the evening before. I boosted myself by listening to The Clash: Complete Control live-recording which is my absolute power-song. It helped to gather energy and assertive behavior. The children tried to to test me few times but I could reply in a way they couldn't continue. I was glad to say to them in the end that they were a nice class. I even got two stickers from one child. It was delightful :).

I also went to a contemporary art museum for a long time. It was a pleasure for my senses and release for my mind for a while. I was supposed to go to a dancing party, but then sentimental emotions sprouted in the museum as I saw pieces of art which reminded me of things. I lost my strength, energy and easy-going mood and couldn't go there after all. Instead I went to a house party, in which I could have relaxing conversation.

 11th Feb was the last day of challenge. Day after I went to have a chat with bums and low income people who hang out outside, with a friend. For the first time, I went to an injection needle switching-centre, in which we had coffee with few men. I heard stories about how is it to live like homeless, stories about murdering, prison sentences and suicides. But also tips how to prevent from ending up to those situations.

My masturbation and alcohol break still remains. 52 days.

Meditation group having a conversation

Here are the accomplished challenges

- Write the letters and send them

- go to yoga again (and still going)

- fix coat a bit

- continue working on master's thesis

- edit THE busking video

- go to a group meditation 

- complete music recording sessions successfully (My band has now three new recorded songs)

I also did:

- Go to a museum

- Teach in a school

How do I feel now

Friends who completed the challenge, became really close. I think I haven't ever before opened myself to other ones so quickly and in immense way. They are like a community to me. Thing why I joined this, was that I needed to push myself forward from a strong love experience. It drifted in my mind almost completely and I couldn't let it go. I tried many methods. Also feelings of loneliness sprouted and it felt like running to stand still, ending up to the same situation.

Two days ago, I had an experience which organized my thoughts in a new way. I had to stimulate myself first to suppress my mind, to let my thoughts flow. I stayed awake the whole night with a friend, we walked almost the whole night. In the morning, I didn't go sleeping, I went to a certain place in which I had experienced a very strong emotional event, which I hadn't ever faced before. My heart ached always when I thought about the place and didn't have courage to go there, until yesterday. I took a guitar and a diary with me. I walked exactly the same routes as we had once gone. My thoughts flew with great velocity.

 As I ended up to the exact place, I started writing my thoughts up and cried. What I realized, was that I had been trying to reject a very precious thing inside me, cos' my heart ached massively. That's why I felt so broke. I was trying to reject LOVE in me, love towards her, love towards the whole world, because it is fragile and needs to be taken care of.

 For the first time, I could really say I loved sincerely, without the need for reciprocity, just because then I flourish, radiate and glow light and hope, like a sunflower. I had the tools all the time, I just had to realize, that I never will reject love inside me. That is the best thing in me. It is a pity many people try to protect themselves from love. I won't do that and I will do my best to encourage people to love. Love heals everything, love is the key to forgiveness. Love is the only god and almighty. This realization was the biggest challenge for me. Love is my religion.

There was a poetry jam in the evening. I decided to manifest my love and forgiveness to everyone. By coincidence, the poetry jam was at the same day! I went to read this realization from my heart in front of 150 people. It was my first time in a poetry jam. I wanted to do it, I had to do it. Afterwards I felt torn apart and vulnerable, but now, the day after I feel peace and love inside me.
My friend filmed my performance

Here is the manifest of my heart I wrote up at that place. It is in Finnish. Thank you Olli for inspiration.

This song inspired me tremendously as I wrote: Tycho - Adrift

Kivinokan mökki

Mä haluan sanoa nää asiat sulle.
Mä oon vasta nyt tajunnu, sun merkityksen mun elämään.
Miten sä olit hetken unelma ja voimaisin valo maan päällä.
Miten otit rakastavasti, sen vastaan, mitä herkästi vuodin suhun.
Miten olin arka, kokematon, hiomaton timantti,
joka räiskyy voimaa sinne sun tänne.
Kuinka vastasit kauniisti mun arkoihin hellyydenosoituksiin.
Kuinka tarvitsin kauniita käsiäsi,
pitelemään mun kaunista sydäntä,
joka tarvitsi rakkauden parantavan suudelman.

Sä palautit mun uskon rakkauden maailmaan.
Ilman sun apua, mun poukkaroiva sydämeni ei olisi koskaan saanut suuntaa.
Sä pystyit murtamaan mun ensimmäisen linnakkeen,
kohti rakastavaaa ykseyttä.
Sä näytit sen olevan mahdollista.
Se tapahtui Kivinokan mökissä.
Mä tunsin rakkauden. Miten me oltiin yksi.
Miten me tukeuduttiin yhteen ja avattiin itsemme yhdessä maailmalle.

Sä mursit mut ulos yksinäisyyden loukusta.
Silti tunsin sun kanssa tyhjiötä,
mutta se oli se tila, mikä rakkauden tulee täyttää.
Kuinka mun kukkaan puhkeava sydämeni oli valmis täyttämään sen onton tilan,
rakastavalla voimalla.

Sä olet mun elämän ensimmäinen rakkaus,
ja elämäni ensimmäinen kumppani.
Olit sitä hetken aikaa.

Sä näytit, miten mun arkaa,
mutta kaunista luontoa tulee vaalia ja auttaa kukoistamaan.
Kuinka sä täytyit valolla mun innostavasta ja inspiroivasta voimasta.
Intohimosta, mikä ei koskaan sammu.
Sitä sä tarvitsit minusta, kun etsit itseäsi, oman itsesi voimaa,
ja omaa inspiraatiota.

Sitten, kun minä ja muu Suomi irtautuivat sinusta,
jouduit hukkaan, menetit hetkeksi kauniin suuntasi,
ja eksyit itsestäsi.

Miten olin valmis rakastamaan sua,
löytämään oman unelmasi, oman onnesi.
Rakastan sua, se jälki jäi minuun iäksi.
Haluan sinua löytämään oman inspiraatiosi.

Ne kaikki yhteiset kokemukset,
ne on niin tajuttomia,
niin uskomattoman kauniita ja täydellisiä,
että kaikellä tällä oli tarkoitus tapahtua.
Muuten tämä ei olisi ollut mahdollista.
Sinä pystyit näyttämään,
mitä rakkaus on.

Nyt pystyn todella näkemään,
kun toiset vetäytyvät omaan kuoreensa,
eivätkä uskalla antautua rakkaudelle.
Miten aluksi luulin,
että tämä on taas yksi epäselvä, ahdistava,
defenssimekanismien emotionaalinen ripuli.
Uskoin kai kuitenkin johonkin,
kun tähän alunperin lähdin mukaan.
Olin jo alkanut käpertyä kuoreeni,
kun sinä tulit elämääni.

Lähdin aluksi matkaan,
että: "hei, söpö mimmi".
Mutta sitten,
sinuun tutustuessasi tajusin,
että sinussa on jokin syvä ulottuvuus,
kohta, johon minä päätin jäädä.
Sitten, luovuttaessasi itsesi,
sinä vastaanotitkin minun kauniin sydämeni,
joka on hyvin haavoittuvainen.
Halusin, että otat sen täysin parannettavaksesi,
koska luulin,
etten osaisi itse korjata sitä.
Sinä kuitenkin herätit minussa voiman,
joka lopulta ottaa itse vastuun oman itsen kehittämisestä ja avaamisesta maailmalle.

Miten loppuvaiheessa nousin varpailleni,
kun tajusin,
ettet voi ottaa siitä vastuuta.
Sitten ahdistuit,
koska olit muutenkin lähdössä.
Et voinut ottaa taakkaa,
jota epätoivoissani yritin kaataa sinunkin kannettavaksesi.
Mutta kuinka valmis olin ottamaan sinun pelkosi ja kuonasi.

Miten aluksi luulin,
että koen taas normaalia eroprosessia.
Ei, katkeruutta eikä mitään,
minkä tekemistä katuisin.

Yritin aluksi järjellä päästä eteenpäin, ei onnistunut.
Yritin sitten tunteilla, onnistui hetkeksi,
mutta vaivuin helposti yksinäisyyden saarelleni.
Kunnes eräänä aamuna,
tajusin että mua rakastetaan.
Sitten löysin sen.
Rakkaudella...

Nyt. Olen löytänyt rakkauden sisässäni,
joka säteilee kauniina kuin auringonkukka.
Nyt olen löytänyt tien anteeksiantoon.
Se on rakkaus.

Minun on pitänyt luoda nahkani uudestaan.
Minun on pitänyt hyväksyä rakkauteni sinua kohtaan,
mutta ennen kaikkea,
koko maailmaa kohtaan,
sillä se on herkkä ja tarvitsee suojelijaa (siksi opiskelen ympäristötieteitä)
Yritin poistaa hädissäni  rakkautta itsestäni.
Olin aloittamassa itseni murskaamisprojektia,
tuhoamaan sitä kauneinta, mitä minun on antaa maailmalle.
Se on se virhe,
minkä niin monet ihmiset tekevät
ja siten hukkaavat itsensä.

Parantuakseni mun ei tarvi tehdä itseasiassa mitään.
Minulla oli jo. Se oli mulla koko ajan.
Mun pitää vain antautua ympäristön kaaokselle,
merkityksille ja kauneudelle.
Siten tunnen koko maailman rakastavan minua.
Voin säteillä rakkautta pyyteettömästi,
ilman pelkoa,
ilman vaatimusta vastapalveluksesta.

Siten, voin tuntea rakkauden ja tulla rakastetuksi,
ja antaa anteeksi.
Rakkaus on ja parantaa kaiken.
Rakkaus on Jumala,
ja ainut kaikkivoipa.

3rd week of challenge

I think I have become more open to myself, also to other people than before. It is hard, though, as I don't bury rising emotions inside me that much anymore. Instead, I let them come in the right time and place. I go inside them and experience them fully. Afterwards, feeling of release comes and I'm able to let go and give up from my minds unpleasant thoughts. Then, my mind is blank and I'm able to breath and see the world as it is. Deep shit, but that's how I feel. That is what happened on Wednesday, after my bands gig. Performing opened my body for inner emotions which lead to a point 2 hours later, in which sorrow bursted out.

my new ear-piercing. Didn't hurt, though

Instruments for self-made ear-piercing. DO NOT MAKE such operations if you don't really know what you're doing

I've started to recognize defense patterns inside me and try to look at them and see what is the cause. What I need to do, is to accept them as a part of me, but still develop them. THAT is the hard challenge. I have asked for empathy from close friends I haven't really asked before. Although I feel mentally scattered and vulnerable, it has been rewarding to find out people are willing to help me and keep me on my feet. That was my challenge on Monday. Me and my friend could explore our minds together by discussing and I could let go of the demons I had inside. Afterwards, I smiled, stared people in the eyes and went to talk with to African people in a subway, because I felt so. I wanted to give them a good feeling. They said I could be from Gambia, as my sincere attitude towards people indicate that. I was thinking if I should ask them   for a hot cup sometimes, but I didn't feel like it. It comes in some point, then. I was proud of myself.

At my work, a nature guide asked me to do a responsibility for him. I felt immediately inside, that I don't want to do that, because it's his responsibility. I kind of took a defensing stand and said "I don't manage to do that, I have other things to do". I think that's okay, but rather I should have said: " I believe it's your responsibility and that's why you should do that". I learned from it, but I just need to find the right words when the situation actually happens, not afterwards. That is also a BIG challenge. If somebody has good tips for that, I'd be glad.

Our cosy lair for campfire, next to an empty storage building 

Handy basket for barbecue

I have failed to continue knitting but it's waiting for me. I could make two envelopes. I just need to write good letters and send them. I haven't continued dream-diary. I couldn't go to yoga, because of work. One big physical and mental challenge, was to take a safety pin-piercing. I arranged a dumpster-diving excursion for two friends. My friend blogged about it. You can find the story and pictures here: http://dreamspire.fi/haaste-19

art flourishes from our hands

Here is a list of things I originally planned to do for the past week:

- write letters to dear people -> partly yes (envelopes made!)
- music jamming night -> yes
- perform a good gig -> yes
- give a wedding speech in friend's wedding -> yes

- organize a hang out with a campfire in an old industrial area, including barbecuing dumpster-dived food and using mostly construction material for campfire -> yes

- continue solving out master's thesis -> yes (I got a new, interesting, easier topic)
- go swimming in an icy lake -> yes (after sauna)

dumpster-dived food for barbecue

What I also did
- took a safety pin-piercing
- told my father about taking an ear piercing
- arranged a dumpster-diving excursion for two beginners
- cycled almost throughout the week, independent of the weather
- watched a film alone in cinema
- commented a status of a politically active friend -> yes (it was about wealth and equality)

Our dodgy storage hall

My challenges for this week:

- Write the letters and send them

- go to yoga again

- fix coat a bit

- continue working on master's thesis

- edit THE busking video

- go to a group meditation

- complete music recording sessions successfully